The road of picking myself up

I am a human, like you do. I have things that I am terrified of, I have things that I feel insecure with. I am always breaking down crying when my panic or anxiety attacks comes. I always feel helpless when I am forced beyond my discomfort level can tank. I have never been in this way before I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, never been in this way before I feel that my world has been shattered not just to ground zero, but way pass thru hell. I spend the time sobbing, trying to self pity myself for near a year and a half after I was diagnosed, I spent almost all my savings then. All I left in my bank account can’t even let me eat a full meal, not even the cheapest mineral water in the market. All I left with, is a roof above my head that my parents owes. I guess if the Singapore law allows me to own a flat at that age, I probably had also sold off the flat and will be roaming in the streets begging for food by now. And was in a family where having a illness like this is a weakness, a weakness that should only be like a normal flu.

On the end of the two year mark, I went to the online counselling sites and and tried to pick up pieces that I had shattered all over. It was hard. I cried almost everyday on some jobs that I had hopped on via those freelance agencies. I cried harder when no one in my family knew my pain and picking up those shattered pieces and trying to glue it up hurts too much. I pretty much didn’t able to move out of the roller coaster of my emotions war cause I was too busy trying to make myself to the level I had before the hell falling clasp. I even thought shutting down any relationships in between anyone will helps in making myself feels better. I kicked my spending habits and saved up quite an amount even though it still can’t compared with the figure that I once had. I somewhat made myself so busy that I almost have no time to rest. My legs hurts everyday when I reach home form work. I grew fat, I am eating supper and junks every night just to make myself feels better. Then, I still didn’t have a space to vent. I didn’t know what to do to vent out. I almost got myself into more trouble and more deep into the “hell” I am suffering. Read up so many books on self help and it doesn’t even helps me at all cause I don’t even know how to apply those tricks to my own life. I still didn’t realize that I am not moving forward but still trying to picking up those pieces that actually hurts me the most.

At the third year, I thought getting in a relationship will helps me in pulling myself up with others strength, love and care. My family somewhat accepted that it isn’t just a flu like symptom, it isn’t a weakness but a long term battle. I finally let go of those painful pieces and before I knew it, I had a hard blow that makes me feel that it was so unfair. Got in my very first full time job as a bookkeeping assistant, but it was so scary that for the four months working there, I thought I would die there. Not only I had done unpaid over time, I had a scary department head that often throws heavy files around or is able to pull off the rack full of files down to the floor and my seat is just behind all those racks she had pulled or pushed down anytime. I probably will die if those files were to hit me on the head, even if it does not kills me, I will be in heavy concussion with the impact. Although I was able to switch jobs after the incident, I wasn’t to happy with it too. I got into a relationship and thought the guy is right for me. By then, I already started blogging and even most of it are pretty much very negative cause pretty much of my self pitying still existed then. In that year, I tried out many things and got my weight dropped. I really moved pretty much forward even though it is slower then my peers. Then, I rushed over my relationship and I didn’t think too much into the consequences of not seeing thru someone that is this bad. But something good does start to come in to my life slowly. My relation with my family starts going on track after the work incident as they found out how hard I was trying to survive in there.

By last year, the fourth year, had learnt that what is the feeling of how to love myself more and knowing not all things are in smooth sail as it seems to be. Even though that I was in permanent part time and was forced to “rest” as my mum got ill badly. At the same time I also broke of with the guy I thought he was nice and got hurt cause there are too many things that I put in to the relationship. I found out he is relying on too much on me, especially on monetary and I somewhat got over budget and I didn’t want to step on my no money days. Not only he didn’t cure my insecurities I had before but he actually added in more. I actually can’t cope when he thinks he is more superior then others while I tried to survive with my small online business and with him telling me that all my hard work done is all credited to him. Upon the disconnection, I felt so free and works harder to get on track with life, I know that keeping myself entertained with writing and reading is such a great feeling, even that I am still somewhat unable to fully control my emotions well and was still doing regular event based jobs that didn’t able to earn much. But I am able to see myself as a much confident person with better writing skills and is able to talk to others easier despite the whole thing makes me from an extrovert to an introvert. Being able to know myself more and to get myself move forward is a good thing.

Now, even it is the fifth year trying to get myself better, I dare not say I fully kicks it off the butt of the illness, but from the start I actually see myself progress quite a lot from the point. Even though I still can’t find a job that I truly likes but least I am happy that my hard work of doing some permanent part time job along with the online shop and surveys. I know that it is hard to get out of it but sometimes you have to change a perceptive on various things. I am not someone who is able to be strong for long cause I know that many things aren’t able to be controlled and my tank to stress isn’t very well tanked currently. But thru the years, getting myself to this stage with not much help is  a good sign but I guess it is okay. I hope that my story will helps someone in some ways. Even though that you thought that no one love you as who you are, there is. They might be your silent angels like mines. Even I currently might not be a good writer but I really hoped that I would helps someone out there that nothing is impossible.

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