I have been thinking of this for some time and is baffled over it. Well, it has been a rocky five years to reach this point of life where mood swings are not occurring that much as it used to be. There are things that I once feel confident and well does not even helps me with my life now as I have already out grown of what I had used to be. I am picking up a new but not very confident me, while trying not to look back and not trying picking up those pieces that has hurts me badly. It had been a good long five years to be here, it makes me much more humble then I once used to be, although I am still getting myself to tone down even more as I am still quite bad tempered in some aspects. With a family that told me that having a chronic illness is just a weakness and it will be gone like a mood, I should not take this long to heal. It had some what makes me understand that there are things in this world that should not be understood and things that are supposed to be the way it should be. It was also the turning point where every thing can be gone by the wind just like this.
During this few years, it was hard to know that the world isn’t how one’s idea works and it will not sweep a tear if one departs from this world. I noticed it when I finally learn how every tiny step of change might builds up better or crazy you. Deceiving yourself not to change is a bad idea and this is what triggers the weaker me to be weak. It is also the trigger to let me learn I am part of the world of someone else, am I going to let myself disappear out of the world that have been hoping that I can be well and be there for them like they have did to me? Am I going to regret what I have not done in my life just to pull of the jigsaw puzzle piece that actually fits in somebody’s world after all? It makes me wonders actually. It makes me thinks about it too. There are so many accidents happening in this world that takes extremely many life away from earth and it does not happens to me, am I still being worthy to be here? Am I just wasting my life away?
I even thought that is my dream of being a book and blog writer and a stand up comedian ever going to fly? Am I going to give up just like this after trying to brush up my English language skills after all this years after almost failing my English during national exams during Secondary school? Especially knowing that this is the one thing that I didn’t give up after this long. I did not have the confidence about it and I didn’t know what, when and how to cut into it. I am no Sir Enid Brighton, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or even J.K. Rowling, I am just an average girl living in the expensive little red dot country of Singapore that it is hard to even find success here. I have phobia of facing the camera when I am alone despite that I have done this many speeches in school for my co-curriculum activities as a vice chairperson, or even for a random school event that my teachers got us into with recording. I feels like letting go countless time but I regret so much for not chasing my dreams. It is hard to survive with making this a full time stay home job as it is too real of having this little income and this much inflation to deal with.
Finding a job while the economic is rather bad in this current economy downfall. It makes me feels like being this unworthy to be there despite knowing that I can work perfectly fine. It was not a thing that I was terrified of before I contacted the illness and I am somewhat caught in the surprise. I make me so tense almost every single time despite having to go for it after this few months of job search to survive while trying to get my dreams flying before getting it switched. I don’t blame those interviewers to be a bad ass bastard as I just can’t get pass thru this part while I can’t even boost my very own confidence of passing it while feeling this terrified of going into one and with many candidates to just one posting. It feels so bad of getting this feeling of not finding this one job that I can even sustain my own expenses. Sometimes I just hoped I can have some confident boost drink just to help or hope that the interview party is lenient enough to put me in the team. Most of the time I feels that it was demoralizing of only recruiting one with how they talked instead of putting us on the job to prove that how well we can do before getting the job, it will also shut most of the other candidates that thinks that it is unfair to not get the job. Whatever it is, this is a thing that I should try to overcome and stop making my parents worries over it.
While I am trying to find back my own standing in this cruel little planet, there are so many methods that fail me so much that makes me feels like a fool. Although it might varies with different people but trying to do what used to make me feels confident before the attack first came in makes me feels so down. I have outgrown of doodling, making good art crafts or helping out friends that need help in their studies as they proceeded what we did together. In fact getting into language helps me more then all that. I just hope that things will get better bit by bit while I try to keep myself motivated. Like my family says; one will never be down in life for long after falling, unless one didn’t give themselves to climb back up. I will definitely hope that all this are an effort to make myself worthwhile. Going to this far of getting myself up, I should not be backing out of it this easily! Let’s go, Jamix!