I don’t come from a family where makes me feel I’m fortunate to be here, it often makes me feels overly stressful. I don’t blame my parents for it cause they too, grew up in this type of situations. It somewhat happens in many Asian family where grandparents situation was passed down to parents and also passed down to us as children without knowing time as changed.
Often in my dreams, I was free to do what I wanted to do without stress or pressure. I wasn’t pressured by the studies that I never loved and I hoped I have a better childhood and is more of the happy go lucky kind of kid. Even till now I often dreamt that if things are different, I might deal with things differently.
Everything I remembered from my childhood wasn’t a happy one, I was often compared without my parents knowing. It does makes my parents worries when I reach rebellious years, although they aren’t as bad to others but I somewhat makes them let go of many things. I used to forge my mum’s signature just to go for a school’s camp and didn’t told her about it cause I knew she will use every single reason she can think of to stop me for going to camps. That includes being gang raped, being kidnapped by fellow school mates etc.
Apparently this is so different from what I ever dreamt of. I always thought being a mum should be caring and is willing to let their kids try out things when time have reached. It wasn’t and never my case. I often thought about it when I was much younger that my mum can be less controlling and my dad will be more caring towards me but yup, they are still in this way till this day. It is a constant battle till now.
But there were changes towards me while changing the whole situation, although there are things that they still overly protecting me. I am more soft spoken as compared to I once be, I am also trying to look at the whole picture more instead of just thinking on myself sometimes cause I doubt it is easy for them to change like I do for thier situation.
Will leave what I hope for in my dreams instead.