The troubled past

The last thing I had in my mind when I was a kid is never being in this state. It has been something that I once hold grudge to. I was never happy in a household where I never remember my father for all my childhood before I had memories. I never wanted to be like my parents, I was stressed over their situations and often asked my mum when they are able to be separated or even get a divorce. She insisted that it is better for me this way.

I always wanted to grow up back then so I can start earning money and support the household needs while hoping I will do something that I will hang on to. The then me always hoped things will get better when I gets older. But ever since I was down, I do feel what am I doing when I was then, I never enjoyed anything in my life, even till now I still felt this way and it don’t feels good. I missed out lots of things cause I never once thought of myself and wanted to please someone.

When I finally wanted to truly do things for myself, responsibility are already starts kicking in and it just feels all too late to start to think what things i am totally interested at with the past I had. I had spend too much time to make them feel that I am not those type of kid that will skipped her responsibility for things that her same age group does, and being in this Asian family with traditional mindset, there are tons of things that I actually stress over cause they can’t accept that I am not going the traditional work road of finishing study and go work that never makes one happy but have a great pay, get married and have kids for the rest of the life. I wanted to be different, but it aren’t working and it was never supported. When I hoped to go for enrichment classes for upgrading, I was brushed and was shamed for it.

I always thought that if my parents heed my words then, I will be a different person now. Maybe I would had become the cold blood person that never going to have a dream and is a work slave that is going to die without getting married to anyone. Maybe I will already started my meds on hormones to be the opposite sex or even had became one. I definitely will be the one that my mum or anyone that will think of me to.

But there are nothing I can do to change it. I hold grudge cause I never thought how selfish they are and how not important I was to them. I wasn’t able to go for courses or do the things I asked for even till now cause it doesn’t have a future or it earns lesser as compared to any one else or it looks like it was just playing. They knew I was tired of it yet I was pushed.

It is my own road to life, although I am still finding ways to do or work what I liked, I have to take note that I am reaching 30 anytime soon as it will be a blink of eye.


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