Yup, TALKING ABOUT DISCOMFORT over my life since yesterday, I am going to talk about another topic that makes me feels eerie minie of myself. It is a part I hardly open up to anyone, even my own parents, and hardly wanted to dig it up to make myself looks “bad” to anyone.
I, always felt I do not belongs to this world.
I, always felt I do not belongs to this generation of chaos.
I, always felt I can’t connect well to anyone cause I always felt too isolated to share my truest self to anyone.
Why? I don’t know.
I always felt distorted around people. Not that I dislike being with or around them, it was just that, I am never able to keep up with topics that people find it common or able to keep up with small talks.
I often have dreams but I just felt it was a since young thing that it will never came true even how much hard work I have putted in to, that includes academically wise, relationship wise and even work, general stuff wise. They said practices makes perfect but it often wasn’t my case. They said keep trying to improve but it probably ends in a bad manner.
I often got myself too tired to maintain my relationship matters, no matter it was my family, friends or anything. I can’t relate to them, even my own parents. I know my mum had been there all my life but I can’t understand her point of view when she got too stubborn or too perfectionist at times, it totally stressed me out. Dealing with my dad is much worst, a part of my memories is without him by by side and I once thought I was a single parent kid. There was too much gap in between us and like any Asian guys from his generation, his ego is huge despite he is “nothing”.
There is too many times where I doubt myself over too many things. I always thought that probably my parents will be much happier without my existence in this world, probably they would had divorced by now. Maybe things won’t be as bad as it would be now.
I am also unable to find someone whom I can rely on, I don’t even want to rely on myself with my trust issue. I was not even able to get myself to trust myself over choices I made. It just feels it was a fault in the beginning. I just can’t pinpoint the pros of mines are at but there are so many cons I got myself pinpointed. When cons are bigger then pros, it will be very mentally drained off over the long run.
It makes me feel more distorted when I can’t seems to settle down for my own good, especially towards getting into relationship with another person that will eventually be my life mate. I am lacking of confidence with this part of my life, I am also lacking this click to not being such a nice person whom probably ends up getting abusively overly nice to them and they took it for granted. It had happened 3 times and it just seems that it had became the norm and I think it was my own fault for being such a jelly.
It is also hard to accept that it is hard to maintain something you truly loved to do in the long run. I always loved reading and hoping I could help shaping a little of the literature world from my points of view. It is still my thing now but it was never gonna takes a positive impact now, maybe not even going anywhere too. I was not supported by my own family. It makes things harder for me to makes a impact when I was often showered with a cold bucket with the dreams I often dream to be.
While I am still finding a place in this world, although I might never will, this distortion will be staying. maybe even I had found my placing, this distortion will still be here with me.